Crackers the Color Bird
The following is a written account of a tribal campfire speech-story given by Chingy on the legend of Crackers the Color Bird, the mythical origin of color in the world and uncatchable rarity praised as the epitome of the hunt. "Okaa, Okaa, now you listen. Listen here now. No, no more potato buns. You all now listen, ya hear. Yassay, this one's about the color bird, you know him--maybe seen him--he's tha' big bird who got him all the colors. All of them you know. Thassow he got its name, "color bird," but if you go ask books, they say the name is Color Rectifier And Color Keeper Ensuring Real Spectrum. See, they were running low on names for things, and the one guy the had naming things, this feckah from Blylock, well he was no child of Childe for naming the new things, that'sa da truth, see but the C.R.A.C.K.E.R.S.--see, I call him jus 'Crackers' is easier, it's been 'eere from way before when this guy decides to make the color bird and official statey thing, as if da colors that float in fron a yo' very eyeses ain't to being enough for believing. Let me tell you, that no one knows what the hell Crackers is. Some folks be saying it a god, some be saying it a bird, and others still be saying that it like S'Har's little pet thing, like a chinchilla or something like dat. Even ol' Chingy, well he can't rightly know, but he's got some guesses for ya know, and it's better than wha you chowda heads's coming up with, so listen. This one's gonna be good, Chingy got a special place for flightless birds responsible for the world's that can kill you if you try to have sex with it while it's morphed into its she-male form. You know the world yes, and all its gods dancing around it did a lotta things in a many places before there was us to see it. They done and made the mountains come up from the land so's they could be seeing things fatha away, and they made the seas from da sweat of battle and the tears of de widows crying that they dead ones ain't never coming home. Oh, there was a many gods you neva even knew, so many, hundreds mebeh, all done'n got 'emselves kilt for making a mess a one thing or another or having too much pride, and now no one knows about em--only Chingy, hehehahoo! Un, d'as a story for later but anyways d'em gods didn' even know it but they was fighting out d'ey wars all in the light and the dark. Blacks and whites, see. All they knew was the lines drawn in the sand where one god stans on one side says 'this is da good gods' and so the other ones make a differen line an' all say d'ey da good ones, and they dun even know da rules a' good and the bad, they just know the light and the dark. They fought for the longest time, all killin' like STABSTABSTAB and it went on for almost forever. Ya see, without the trick to the eyes, they was blind--they knew no COLOR! Everything, everything was a black and white, had nowhere to go inbetween but the differn shays of grey. An' so, it was a one fine day, one a d'em gods--you dun know his name, but I do, you dunno ('wha his name?) No, you shut up, you dun know his name (Syaa, syaa wha his name is?') No, look, you stupid and I can smell your breath from here count your teeth on one hand, you dun need his name, 'sides, you can even undahstan how to say it back ('Oi, tell us, tell us his name!') HIS NAME WAS WARKKLYSHENMROMUSYQ ('Ohh… s'a dumb name.) Shut up you, before I choke you with ya own potato bun, now listen fools! Chingy speaking the wisdom now, so the god he's dying right, dying in some field mebeh jus a little ova that way, and he's dying but ain't dead, so he's waiting to be dead, but just when he thinks he's dead he sees the mos magic thing that ever did happen before eyes, even that of a god's. It was… de COLOR BIRD! Yes, he seen dat bird an' all the sudden the world, whole world, gets run into a blur, rushed ova by a wave, then comes out in blues, greens, purples, crimsons, beige, russet, fuchsia, pearl, amber, goldenrod, bittersweet brown, tangelo and tangerine, sienna and sepia, olive, mauve, taupe, shamrock chartreuse--''('Oi! Chingy! The Bird!')'' Oh. Righta, yesh. That one was Chingy fault. Okaa, Okaa, so d'en da bird'sa one that made the colors and thas why we call him Crackers the Color Bird, and he still walks between the planets going round today. Some folks say d'ey seen 'im. A'course I seen 'im, it gave me one a 'is feathers as a birthday present and I gave it to my Mama, 'cause she a beautiful women. Some folks says it dun ride da glass tubes but instead really jus fly into space ('Is then he the Space Color Bird?') ''Hey, you done shutting up? Space got no color, the bird made it for the planets, ain't you listening to a word Chingy said, ya big lippin' baboon? Now I know the question you all asking to yourselves righ'now--if I could catch Crackers, and put him in a lil outfit, like a young prince during his first knighting tournament, then put him in a cage, how much could I charge suckaz for to see the bird? The answer--you can't catch Crackers! Hehehahoo, you da suckaz! No one, not even the gods can't catch this tricky birdy, you see, it jus go away before you can, or turn into something else so you can't, or mebeh just kill you with his beak full of da bad colors it didn't let out to the world, then turn your deadness into a new one a' its feathers, so dun even try, ya wankers, hehe. Anyways, you be thinking now, 'Chingy, I want me 75lum back! Yeh, d'ere a bird, we know' BUT! DID YOU KNOW! THE BIRD CAN ERASE ALL COLORS! ('Ah, now he talkin' stuff!) ''Were you even aware of this fact!? On the last moon of the year, when the powder falls down from the gods of frozen things, Crackers loses his color--but it don't actually lose 'em! He switches out to get the new ones ready for next year, like puttin' on a new knit poncho which what ain't got no good grime on it yet, getting ready for the mint green of spring, the turquoise of winter, the auburn of autumn, the jaundice of summer, the--''('Oi! Syaa story notta color, we wan'na bird!')'' Oh, yeshum, that one's ol' Chingy's thing again, but it's a stra-ange sight indeedy, seeing as how when the moon is half-waned you can see the colors a year past an'na blank palette of whas ta come all on one bird. Also the bird never dies and can eat metal. BUT! DID YOU KNOW! THE BIRD CAN TURN INTO A HUMAN! ('Gasp!') Were you even aware of this fact!? Is true, is true. We known for a long time of the bird, has'ing the stra-ange powah ta become a walking-being jus like you an' Chingy! And she's a beauty, rumor hassit even the rare beauty of her maid-in-waitin' Astrade be a might bit blush'n'jealous over Crackers. Also… he's a woman! ''('Ohh, Imma okay wit'that!) Yesh, yeshum, Crackers turn into a woman wand walk around nekkid 'cause da feathers make like skin ''('When she do it, how I see?) Well now, even ol' Chingy ain't got that one yet, but for anotha 75lum maybe I give a you a hint (Oi! Chingy ya cheap bastard, ya!') And you ugly, but Chingy dun care. So, If'n you ever in the woods, I give you one piece'a advice for free, you gotta tell yo' everyone about it, see, if you see Crackers when itss'in the form of mortal beauty, ya can't be pokin' your stirring stick up around in d'ere, or you gonna become one a its feathers. You'll be pretty, oi yeah, but'chu'll be dead too so dun do it. I lost a many a lover to the feathers, which's why I still chase tha' bird deep into the Forest of Memory, in a boat over as it fly over the Grand Sea a' Jundarr, and through the backest streets in the quietest alleys of the Svol Nirin capitals, and if'n I some day catch Crackers the Color Bird… I ain't tellin' none a you assholes! Hehehahoo! …Okay, thas'it, get me mah lum and Imma take me a dump the size of a rattlegrouse. (Chingy you da bes'! Woo'in!)" Peacock3.jpg|Look! It's Crackers the Color Bird! Don't even bother trying to get him! Peacock4.jpg|Crackers in Color Phase Change. The Moon's half-waned, Crackers is making room for the color palette of the new year! Peacock5.jpg|Behold! Piss off Crackers, and he'll take the colors! Peacock1.jpg|Crackers the she-male beauty of the forest. Don't try to a babby with her, or you'll become one of them pretty feathers!